Why I am getting a gun

by

I usually don’t write about crime. In fact, I’ve always found it somewhat ironic that the Cap Times, “Your Progressive Voice,” has an entire section dedicated to “Law and Order” on its website.

However, there are some crimes that are so low and so sickening; so base and so deserving of damnation; so utterly perverse; they demand publicity.

Some sadistic degenerate has stolen the cue balls from the Memorial Union pool room.

After all tragedies we ask the same question. Why? Why would somebody do such a thing? Why would a person intentionally harm others and violate such a beautiful display of communal trust? Was he/she watching as I naïvely deposited a dollar into the machine (after getting a dollar in change at the front desk), racked the balls and then went to reach for the cue ball? Did the expression of puzzlement on my face give him/her pleasure?

Let me make myself very clear. I support random searches of citizens with round bulges in their pockets.

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4 Responses to “Why I am getting a gun”

  1. Jaimie Chapman Says:

    This made me laugh. But seriously.. sorry about the cue ball.. bummer.

  2. Ordinary Jill Says:

    Did you look under the table? How about along the edges of the room?

  3. pvtwitt Says:

    Did you go to the Essentials Store/Front Desk? They should have a replacement. At least that’s what we lazy bar workers tell everybody who goes through the same ordeal as you. It happens too often, the world is a sick place man.

    And thanks for the excellent post about Madison Sandinista. I’ll be working the Union Bar (Stift) Sunday Eve. I will help get to the bottom of this cue ball-napping.

  4. Eric Schmidt Says:

    “Let me make myself very clear. I support random searches of citizens with round bulges in their pockets.”

    I hope you never come to IQ night then.

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